I’m working on my new revelation to be a true Muslim.

I’m planning to wear Hijab, however I’m concern because I wore Hijab before and it didn’t last long till I took it off. Like the Malay proverbs “tidak mahu pisang berbuah dua kali”. It was 10 years ago, where I decide to wear Hijab because of something bad happened to me, so naively for a revelation I want to “cleanse” my self by wearing Hijab without understanding the essence of being a Muslim. I did not pray fully 5 times a day, did not read Quran but I don’t drink alcohol, I fast every Ramadan. What I did was merely covering myself up and not really learn or reminding myself the beauty of Islam.

That  was during my Uni days that I continue to wear Hijab. I met my husband during my Uni days. So he first met me when I’m wearing Hijab. And then when I started working, I was already not using Hijab all the time. I only wear when I’m going to work and meet up my boyfriend’s (now husband) parents (now in-laws). During this time, I’m not discipline for my prayers but I always believe and feel that Allah is reminding me to pray and I always ignore those feelings or conscience.

Then, I feel and realized that I was not sincere in wearing Hijab and lied to my own self and people around me. It’s a feeling that I’m not proud off. And the weird thing is, first I lost my confidence when I’m wearing Hijab, feels that I was coop up in the cover and suppressed my self. I thought my boyfriend (now husband) didn’t see my beauty when I’m wearing Hijab and I realised he gave me more attention when I’m not wearing Hijab.

So to stop from being insincere to my self and people around me, in 2008 I got my self a new job and I decided not to wear Hijab full time. I feel at that point of time, I want to find my center, improve my self esteem and find my place and purpose in this life.

I manage to improve my confidence, and also found a career path and grow from there. Plus, I got married in 2009 and got my first baby in 2010. I got my scholarship in 2009 so was carrying my baby around for classes and exams. I rest for 1 semester (3 months)  to give birth and for confinement. And went back to class when my baby was just 2 months old.

As a first time mom, I want to feel it all, however, having “jellyfish” here and there and too much opinion and hands to “help” I really don’t have time to learn to be a mom and care for my baby because I have to juggle it all study, work , family and etc.

I have too much expectation in life where all turned down. I was once wish that nothing else in life that I want but a family. Having our own schedule, having our own weekends and our own social life. And then once I have my own family, it is not as easy or lovely as I expected. As usual, I find that to get something I have to work very hard in this context are aligning the schedules, other people’s expectations and needs and their ramblings rather than my own. There were tears and the joy that I have was only the sweet smile on little girl’s face.

I was wondering why I’m working so hard and other’s just don’t see it. I pray once or twice a day in the office and I was not at home because there were no “peer pressure” at home. When I have the chance to pray, I prayed to Allah, to change the people around me at home to pray to Allah and  show me the way to live my life towards His way.

Then something happen to my little girl, she was distraught by “spirit” when we got home late on my class night. She started wave good bye to a tree and also play peekaboo during her sleep. And she just don’t stop crying when we go to places. She started to look pale and weak, when I decide to try alternative healing. My husband and I discussed, he was shocked because he didn’t think that I believe all this.  

(On a separate maybe related note, this is not my first time with black magic, spirits and hocus pocus. It happen to my family and I felt it although never seen one.  So I believe  “they” are around us and we felt “them”.)

So, going back to alternative healing, we met an Islamic alternative healing practitioner (not too sure he is an Ustaz or not, but he do teach Al-Quran, maybe he is). When we were at his house, little girl was fine playing with his son and as he step in, little girl got scared, and when he touches her and recite some Surah, little girl was asking me for help, it breaks my heart.  Since then, husband prays 5 times a day and it has become “peer pressure” that I was looking for. But, it does come with a downside, where we can’t go out after 6.30 p.m. Even if my side of family wants to do a gathering like a dinner or BBQ, we have to turn down or leave little girl with in-laws. Vacay? Not at all..we can’t go to forrest area,  dinner in the hotel and etc. Again, it doesn’t come easy, and I have to work hard to get through the emotion turmoil my self.

What makes me go on and go through all this is, finding peace, find my purpose and confidence and groom my self up. I have to keep motivating myself as it is all about perception, being happy and go with the flow. I reduced having expectations as going with flow is rather safe for my emotion. At times, the depression does come and when it all too great to handle, tears are the only answer.  However, being all groomed up, appraised by people that I don’t expect to appraise me, kinda give me the confidence that there is hope out there for happiness and little smile on my face. When I was small, I have to keep being a mediator between my parents and solving their problem when my bros are not around. So I do have to keep working hard to keep my self up all the time since I was little.

Having little credits (from other people) for being groomed and pretty as a free hair, has widen the gap for me to find confidence in wearing Hijab again. However, recently I made a pack with my husband that he has to leave his bad habit and I’ll wear Hijab. And now, I keep thinking why must I do this for him. I’m well aware that all my sins are on him, but as history speaks for it self, I’m not sure I’m ready. What if he keep on breaking my heart, should I really do this for him.. When I felt that this reason (of doing something not for yourself but others) is wrong, I need more time to think about this. He does mention about me wearing hijab recently, sarcastically hinting, and said that wearing Hijab is not about what to decide, it something like you just hit the train and wear it. I don’t think it is that easy as I want to make this once and for all and no turning back.

I was once said that I’ll wear hijab when I’m 30..Now that I’m 30 is this really what I want?. If let say I plan to wear Hijab this year, and when in future that I feel of turning back to free hair, I will need something to hit me back to reality of why I should keep on wearing Hijab. Therefore, in next few days, I want to write a post to my self in the future and have steps to keep my faith and confidence in wearing Hijab.

Step 1: Let go, forgive, pray and Do’a, Insyallah if at peace go to step 2.

Till then..